Agency: Knowing Where I End and You Begin.

As I reflect on the word Agency, I sense a feeling of responsibility. A desire more or less. A yearning. Throughout my career I have worked with countless clients who have a sense of hopelessness from being victimized by the world around them. Often valid and born out of a lack of Agency as a child from either their environment or the caregivers who raised them. The desire to walk beside them as they explore the idea of Agency burns inside of me. I feel excitement as I know when they find Agency in the work they are doing, their world will expand. Maladaptive strategies no longer feel necessary and options become available to them that they couldn’t see before. It’s beautiful.

NeuroAffective Relational Model™ (NARM®) uses the term Agency rather than the term responsibility. While we are not responsible for what has happened to us, we can become responsible for our healing. Agency is the pathway to this experience. Our childhood consciousness is the part of us who had to adapt to our environment. We did not have a choice. However, Agency is when we can access our adult consciousness and see that while we once did not have the choice, we can choose to relate to that experience differently in this moment.

For example, as adults, we may continue to find ourselves in relationships where we are taken advantage of, abused, or hurt. We might believe we deserve this due to being bad or unworthy of love and belonging. Bringing ourselves to the present moment and asking ourselves “how do I experience these relationships as I reflect on them now?” creates distance from the child consciousness and brings us to the here and now where options are available to us.

I encourage you to take a moment and see where this example might be true for you. While we can continue to believe we are bad or unworthy, what else is true at this moment? What else might be available to us? What strategies do we want to keep around and are there strategies that no longer serve us?