Webinar: Shame and Self-Hatred

When I realized that I would be writing on this topic, I immediately felt a heaviness that stems from my own relationship to shame. But, as I slowed down to consider how shame shows up in my practice, I recognized that the NeuroAffective Relational Model™ (NARM®) has transformed my understanding of the concept.

There are many perspectives on shame in the world of psychotherapy. Most therapeutic modalities identify shame as an emotion attached to the fear of being rejected for doing something wrong. In NARM®, shame is not merely an emotional response to wrongdoing. Rather, shame is seen as being deeply embedded in developmental trauma and emerges as a powerful internal mechanism of self-attack. Central to the NARM® perspective is the idea that shame reflects a fundamental disruption in the development of a coherent, self-affirming identity. Rather than arising solely from external judgment, shame becomes internalized, functioning as a chronic pattern of self-rejection and self-hatred that undermines a person’s sense of worth and vitality.

NARM® views identity as shaped through early relational experiences, particularly the degree to which a child feels safe, seen, and supported in being their authentic self. When there are environmental or relational misattunements, children often internalize these failures not as evidence of others’ limitations but as proof of their own unworthiness. This misattribution leads to what NARM® describes as a “survival style” — a set of unconscious strategies developed to maintain connection in the face of relational threat. Shame becomes a central part of this survival adaptation, serving as a way for children to maintain some sense of control and coherence by turning the pain inward: “If something is wrong, it must be me.”

Over time, this shame-based identity manifests as self-attack. In NARM®, this internal aggression is not viewed as a flaw, but as a protective mechanism developed in early life to preserve attachment relationships. However, in adulthood, this once-adaptive response becomes a source of suffering. The person begins to chronically judge, criticize, and devalue themselves, often without conscious awareness of the origins of this self-hatred. This process reinforces disconnection from the authentic self and perpetuates cycles of isolation, low self-worth, and emotional dysregulation. NARM® clinicians work to bring awareness to this internalized shame by supporting clients in differentiating their present experience from their historical adaptations. Through mindful inquiry and relational attunement, clients are supported in reconnecting with their core self — a self that was never inherently shameful, but learned to believe it was.

In this model, healing begins when individuals can begin to see their shame and self-hatred as understandable survival strategies — and then, with compassion and curiosity, loosen their grip. As this self-attack softens, space opens for more authentic self-experience, self-compassion, and relational intimacy. I work with parents traveling on their parallel therapeutic journey as their child moves through ROOTs. In my office, a parent’s shame at having a child in treatment or sense of responsibility for their child’s struggles can loom so large that they react from this shame by shutting down, avoiding, trying to control, or sometimes even projecting blame.

If, through self-inquiry, parents can recognize that they are the ones attacking themselves and fueling this punishing narrative, they can start to make room for more of their authentic emotional experiences. Their shame may have been keeping them from feeling into the fear and sadness they have been experiencing managing a crisis situation. They can begin to tend to these emotions from a place of greater self-compassion. This, in turn, will increase their capacity to be with their child and to hold space for their child’s emotional experiences with more openness. Over time, parents and their children develop the ability to stay connected to the fullness of their own present experience, rather than fall back into protective strategies that keep them stuck re-enacting old patterns.

Jaime Palmer & I are hosting a webinar to discuss Shame and Self Hatred. We hope you will join us! Please see below for details and the link to register.

Signed,
Eliza Hitz, CHMC (she/her)
Parent Clinical Director